The Student Windsurfing Association
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The student windsurf population made a somewhat new pilgrimage up North this February for the ritual early event of the new year, however the rewards for their long drive soon became apparent as the sight of wellies, Carling and the beautiful Liverpudlian women greeted their arrival in the European Capital of Culture!

Sold out two weeks in advance: to say that students were eager to re-start their drinking and windsurfing campaign in 2005 would be a severe understatement!  Partying far too hard on the Friday night, it could only have been the howling force 6 on Saturday morning which dragged students from their luxurious accommodation and delivered them to an equally gorgeous Crosby Marina for 10am.  And boy was it windy! Individual racing went on regardless, witnessing an advanced slalom race which was fought for literally tooth and nail, and races in both the beginner and intermediate divisions which highlighted the student dedication to the cause if not their status as still drunk and mightily foolish!



Free sailing finished off the rest of the day alongside the Crosby 'Champion of Speed' competition which extracted the cream of those testosterone filled advanced sailors from each club eager to prove their manliness and sail a speed board about as big as their arm!  Congratulations to Bigbobjoylove (Southampton) for establishing himself as alpha male and also to the slightly bedraggled winners of the individual racing: advanced: Martin (Southampton)



The party.  For most the highlight of the weekend, this student windsurfing party introduced a stereotypically yachty, posh voiced southern posse dressed up appropriately within the 'Noah's Ark' theme, to the locals of Liverpool - fantastic!  From the most realistic giraffe I've ever seen a man turn into (congrats Liability James) to a pair of Blue Tits (I will mention no names!) the costumes were fit for a boat, and the students fit for a boat race! Thanks must go out to The Flute for feeding us and Norwegian Blue for letting us drink them dry!



Following the steady northerly wind of Saturday was a slightly more blustery Sunday, however there was wind sufficient for a gripping freestyle competition and warmth and food enough provided for welcome shelter within the Surf-Tech shop!  Congratulations must go to Darren Mitchell who beat reigning freestyle champ Adam Cropper (SWA-team) in the freestyle: with student talent improving all the time I'm sure there's more than one wary eye out for this lad who becomes a student this year. 


Following a tremendous prize giving which saw trophies, fantastical furs and clothes from Kangaroo Poo, a gift voucher from Starboard and Tushingham, a harness from DaKine, a wetsuit from both Spartan and Typhoon respectively, and a DVD from Xtremity, all that's left to say is a huge thank you to everyone who came raising £360 for Surfers Against Sewage, those who helped organise, Paul Simmons super Starboard demo man and all our sponsors mentioned above. Here's to next year!


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Just to remind you, here are a few of the rather funny reasons why Liverpool is unlike any other place in the world... (thanks to




2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike.

They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the *******s have managed to nick a motorbike already".



If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit him?

* It might be your bicycle


Gizza job, go on, gizza job.

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to
the counter and said "Hi, gizza job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've
just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll
have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You
also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"






Two Scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make sure that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off-licence. One gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work, to which his mate replies "Yes, it's working...oh ****, it's, it's OK...stopped again..."






The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday, ahead of this weekend's Grand Prix. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of The British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ Scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's Existing crew could only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice, not only was the Scouse pit crew able to change the Tyres in under six seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for eight Cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.


Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.

As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.

In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.

They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.

Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pissing on it.

The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.



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